just say "f*** it and jump!"

The night before my plane departed 1,000 miles from what I called home, I was fortunate enough to spend the evening with those I hold near and dear to my heart.  I was glutenous at my last supper with family and friends, enjoying yet another meal at Dublins, the ambiance, the Coronas, but more so time with those I had to say goodbye to until next time.  How do you tell your then three year-old niece it will be months before her Aunt Sissy can see her again??  However, I was ready to go...my bags were packed, my hair was chopped.  Let's play the game.

My former roommate and I said our sad goodbyes that evening as she dropped me off at his apartment.  His roommate, also a close friend of mine, myself and him sauntered to one of our favorite hangouts in Downtown Lansing, Tavern on the Square.  Our last drink together, a send off that would leave me with their wisdom.

Back at the apartment, we held one another that evening and couldn't muster ourselves to break the silence, for we both knew what the morning was going to bring.  Tears streamed down our faces - we have been one another's clever medicine for almost a ear.  He could always dig me out of what was covering the better part of me, and vice versa.  Sadly, I didn't realize that the last few hours of my freedom we spent together would be the last, nor was I prepared for such.  

The nest morning at the airport, we held on for dear life, afraid to let go.  "Just say fuck it and jump, K. Gage."  His final words of encouragement are now my mantra.

Saying "Fuck it and jump," helped me my first week of hell here at OCS.  Regardless of preparations made, nothing can fully prepare one for the mind games, the loss of contact with others, the loss of your personal possessions, and the loss of your fredom.  Not being able to speak, use the head when needed, scratch your face, pull up your sleeves, eat with silverware, make eye contact, or eat, drink, and sleep as you please.  God bless, where is my cell phone?!  Can someone please get me a diet?!  What the hell happened to my hair...I look like a...!!  I'm not gonna lie, I could really use a drink about now!  All the bullshit aside, this is what I had worked so hard for.  I had to make it through, I wanted to make it through.  

I made it alright, through a very difficult first week on jacked ankles, resulting in stress fractures and bone contusions.  Nevertheless, time has now passed...slowly I might add (paint dries faster).  As I am now training to go back into the program, it is difficult to only have the comfort of your comrades.  Although we are one another's family, you still long for home and loved ones.  But saying, "Fuck it and jump," still keeps my motivation and passion alive.  Those four little words...

So, my dear friend, thank you for giving me what I needed.  When we said goodbye, who knew it was the last time.  I thought I knew you, but what did I know I was a blind friend.  We were the best of friends, and with grave sadness, I am all that remains.  I will always hold you in the deepest corner of my heart, and think of you and our time together fondly.